The Sporting Life

Shorts

When I was 17, listening to my cassette of Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me in my bedroom or in my silver '79 Cutlass Supreme, I never imagined I'd one day stand at the deli counter in an Atlanta-area Publix and hear the track "The Perfect Girl" piped throughout the store. It reminded me of when I heard "Anarchy in the UK" on a retro show three or four years ago and, at the song's conclusion, the DJ said, "I can remember that song sounding so violent and offensive when it first came out, and now it sounds like just another rock song. Things have certainly changed."

During that same visit last night, I was startled to see twin packs of Trojan condoms hanging next to the Trident gum and the Weekly World News in the checkout line. I'm thinking, "Am I in a grocery store or a dimly lit Chevron off Bankhead Highway?" Good luck in explaining those to the kids, mom. Yes, things have indeed changed.

---

Before I talk about Omaha, Rosenblatt Stadium, Lincoln and the College World Series, I owe it to a couple of people to admit to arguably the most boneheaded thing I've ever done.

The night before we depart, I'm digging around for information on our hotel. And digging. And digging. And then I finally have to admit it to myself: I have absolutely no idea what the name of the hotel is.

I'm pretty sure it's one of those chains that sounds new and small, like Jameson Inns. I thought I had a printout of the details. I thought I had a receipt. But then I remember I'd written the details down on a sheet of paper. The reservation was made over the phone.

I finally find the confirmation number, but I've entered it on a to-do list with only the words "Omaha hotel."

It's now 1 a.m. I have to call and wake my friend Steve.

"You're going to kill me, but I can't find the name of our hotel," I said. "Any chance you could look in your e-mail for anything I maybe sent you about it?"

He does.

Nothing. It appears we only surfed sites while talking on the phone when trying to locate a cheap, clean place to stay. So I make a few phone calls to hotels, since we know we found it on a travel site and know it's not far from the airport.

And I still come up empty. It's 2 a.m. I have to be up in three hours, to shower, shave and swing by Steve's house en route to Hartsfield. So I do what any 35-year-old man would do: I e-mail my mom.

"I might need to beg you and Dad to let me use some of his reward points for a hotel in Omaha, if there's even a room to be found," I wrote.

She calls before we even depart from Atlanta and asks for details on what exactly I've done. So she starts calling around to hotels as I did earlier, trying to find where we're staying.

While waiting for a connecting flight in Minneapolis, we get the news: She's found our hotel. It turns out they underwent a change in ownership (and name) since I made the reservation, so I would've probably had a slight problem even if I had located the original hotel name.

It was a humbling experience, to say the least. I appreciate my friend Steve's patience and my mom's willingness to sacrifice her time to help us out.

---

I'll admit that Over the Rhine's latest album, Drunkard's Prayer, had struck me as somewhat of a letdown. Considering how highly I regard the previous release, Ohio, it shouldn't have surprised me.

But seeing the band last month at Smith's Olde Bar here in Atlanta made me reconsider the new material. Recorded, the songs had sounded too subdued, too stylistically similar, to me. But live? Much, much better. I almost didn't attend because I was going stag, and playing the role of confirmed bachelor sometimes gets old. I'm glad I didn't let it deter me, as it was at least as memorable and enjoyable as the better shows I've seen in the last couple of years.

---

I can't say with absolute certainty, but I'm pretty sure that none of the following athletes are gay:

Brandon Backe
Dany Heatley
Jeff Bagwell
Craig Biggio
Roger Clemens
Laird Hamilton

I thought I'd go ahead and address the subject for the many visitors who continue to arrive here via a Google search pairing each of those names with the word "gay."

'Empire' of the son

Miles (Ed Harris) prepares to arm-wrestle Walt (Dennis Farina) at the Empire Grill, as David (Aidan Quinn) and Charlene (Theresa Russell) watch in shock.

"Every time you want something, really want it, you shove it away in some dark corner so you don't have to think about it. As if you're going to be punished for wanting it." (David to his brother, Miles, in Empire Falls)

Teaser can be found here. Comments to come ...

He's a strange one, he's a wild man, he's a nut

Last night while riding a stationary bike at the gym, I saw on the crawl on CNN that Howard Morris had died.

The episodes of The Andy Griffith Show with Ernest T. Bass were easily some of my favorites, particularly the one with Ramona. (It also included one of my favorite lines ever from Barney, funnily enough: "Dogs, all dogs. If you flew a quail through here, every woman in here would point.")

When I stumbled across a page of sound clips online, it was tough to choose a favorite. I settled on this one.

Race relations

If you really want ratings,
try putting together these two

Now that The Amazing Race has begun the countdown to the adventure that will lead to its demise — a new family-of-four format to air this fall — let's consider a list of pairings we wish we had seen.

Please add your own in the comments section. Here are a few to get things started:

Jennifer Wilbanks and Paul Martin
Martin's ingenious idea of adorning their car with white shoe polish, crepe paper and tin cans tied to the rear bumper leads Wilbanks to drive to the first Road Block like an EMT on Adderall, quickly launching the pair into first place. But the two don't make it beyond the first Pit Stop after Martin, confusing the Race with Survivor, gives all their money to the other teams in hopes of securing votes at tribal council.

Michael Moore and Courtney Love
Quoting Love at a Detour: “Listen, you BIG FAT P***Y!! I saw you put away SEVEN Cornish hens at Cannes, so don’t expect me to believe some HALF-A***D, S**TH**E SUSHI BAR is gonna be our downfall, even if it were 15 pounds’ worth they were asking you to swallow! And I don’t F****N' CARE what sort of working conditions these people had to prepare it under and whether they have a G*****N, F****N' UUUUUNION. If I hadn't already eaten a Tupperware container of Thorazine suppositories and that jar of Vaseline in the car, I'd be ALL. OVER. THIS. EEEEEAT!!!”

Andrew Sullivan and Rosie O'Donnell
Team Gay risks an early departure from the program when the renowned writer from Provincetown breaks down and begins sobbing, refusing to complete the third Road Block: a head-to-toe body-shaving ritual. Fortunately, O'Donnell proves man enough for the two of them to go under the knife/razor/clippers.

Glen Campbell and Nick Nolte
Needs no explanation, really.

Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston
Gay men love the diva posturing, straight women love to root against 'em, straight men ... Well, to quote Kramer: C-c-c-c-c-c-catfight!

Lou Sheldon and Carson Kressley
Quoting Kressley at a Detour: “I’m an abomination? Try taking a look down. I’m seconds away from trying to rope a calf in Calgary, and you’re wearing dress pants, for Oprah’s sake! And they’re pleated. If that won’t keep you out of Heaven, well, then that’s not a God I’m sure I can believe in.”

'It's easy once you know how it's done'

Does anyone else think "Jerk It Out" by the Caesars, the catchy song playing in the latest iPod Shuffle commercial, sounds a little like Smashmouth covering (not a work-safe link) "Girls on Film" by Duran Duran?

I'm not only dating myself by referencing an early '80s New Wave song that was never a hit in America but also making a sad statement about myself by admitting I know a non-hit Duran Duran song well enough to accuse a band in the 21st century of nicking their work.

I haven't yet placed the '80s song that "Somebody Told Me" by The Killers reminds me of, but I'm working on it.

Sign language

"He lied to us. What a jerk."

"I hope he's happy. Moron."

"Glad to see you made the right decision for your life by becoming a (insert mascot name here), son!"

"Did you see who (insert rival school's name here) fans are bragging about landing? That kid sucks. He'd never play a down for us."

"We didn't really want him."

It's unsettling to see the varied reactions of so many grown men regarding the decisions of a group of 17 and 18-year-olds. Today is signing day for college football, and I'm glad to see recruiting season come to an end.

---

Easy listening

Songs I can't get out of my head these days, many of them because of someone burning a couple of samplers for me:

"She Ain't No You" by Thad Cockrell
"Buick City Complex" by the Old 97s
"Pounding" by the Doves
"Sleepsinging" by The Damnwells
"Gravity" by Alison Krauss and Union Station 
"Without You" by Mark Eitzel
"If I Could Talk I'd Tell You" by the Lemonheads

---

A commercial success

After lampooning a Nike ad earlier in the week, I thought I'd mention a company I think has gone from bad to pretty good where commercials are concerned: Geico.

Their ad campaign involving the gecko lizard has been as awful as Ditech's efforts and as in need of being put out to pasture as the Chick-Fil-A herd.

But the new ones, which, with a slight nod to Energizer's old bass-drum-pounding rabbit, spoof other campaigns, are a big improvement.

My two favorites: the send-up of ads for CBS' Big Brother and the almost flawless copy of spots by Old Navy.

Backward masking

The first time I saw it, I thought it was a gag.

I had been away from the living room TV, loading the dishwasher, unloading the dishwasher, taking clothes out of the dryer or doing one of those other tasks a single homeowner seems to be doing in every waking moment when he or she isn't at work. I think it was during Fox pre-game for one of the NFL playoff match-ups.

So when I walked back into the room, just as the ad was beginning — the music building, the slo-mo movements of famous athletes who are at or near peak physical condition — I was enthralled.

And then the masks.

No kidding, I immediately thought it was the work of that guy who does Jon-Stewart-like skits for them occasionally and waited for the punchline.

I later asked a friend of mine what he thought about it, and he asked, “Are you talking about that weird mask sh!t?” I asked a female co-worker of mine who's really into ads to review it. Though she's not a sports fan, she already had seen it and used only one word: “Horrible.”

I just thought it was embarrassing for the athletes. Apparently I'm not alone, as some Red Sox fans are relieved none of their guys got involved.

I suspect that, when these folks first saw it, they were falling out with laughter or throwing high-fives.

But, then again, I'm not 17 years old. And I'm betting that's Nike's target demographic.

Willie, wailin' and 'the boys'

Whiskey River, take my mind.

Because, if Willie Nelson is going to portray Uncle Jesse in the motion-picture version of The Dukes of Hazzard, I'm going to need enough booze to wipe away all knowledge of it.

In general, I'm not exactly a supporter of making movies out of old TV shows, and this one is no exception. Is creativity in such short supply in Hollywood these days that I should expect to see The Red Hand Gang, Sara and Wheelie and the Chopper Bunch on a screen near me sometime soon?

And speaking of desperate — Willie, c'mon. I thought the financial troubles were over. But maybe I'm taking this all too seriously and you're just trying to have a good time in your twilight years. Or maybe Johnny Knoxville is set to supply the cast and crew with premium-grade pot.

(Hat tip: davedorm.)

---

Lutherans on the halfpipe
My brother will be beside himself when I share this news with him: Davy and Goliath will return to TV on Dec. 19 in their first new cartoon in 30 years.

I think that show is why "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" is as catchy and hummable to my brother as any Beatles, Carpenters or Simon and Garfunkel song.

(Hat tip: Holy Weblog.)

---

Only in the South

The little white blobs on the ledge outside my window in this cameraphone photo resulted from a storm that came through today. Yep, it's hail. On Dec. 10.

And plenty of lightning and thunder, just like an afternoon storm that rolls through in July or August, accompanied it. Tomorrow's high is expected to be in the mid-40s (F), though today it was probably in the mid-60s.

Farewell, Friends

Though it jumped the shark at least a couple of seasons ago, I'll be among the masses tonight saying goodbye to the 10-year-old sitcom celebrating life and love of Bobo Gen-Xers.

Quotes off the top of my head:
  · "I'm Joan Collins."
  · "Are you saying ... that you don’t wanna get ... with this?"
  · "Oh, for God's sake, Judy, pick up the sock! Pick up the sock!! PICK UP THE SOCK!!"
  · "I'm breezy!"
  · "Hey, weird girl."
  · "Jingle bitch screwed me over/Go to hell, jingle whore"
  · "Piv-ot!"
  · "Oh, you should! How is she?"
  · "Another lie. You have a sickness!"
  · "Seriously, ESPN! Just once and a while, have it on in the background."
  · "Crazy snake man."
  · "Ohh, I'm gonna be on the news."
  · "Some girl ate Monica!"

Going back to Cali

Yesterday it was The Louvin Brothers. Today it’s breaking news regarding some other hometown folks.

The Sacred Harp, or shaped-note, singers I wrote about in December 2003 will be performing at Sunday night’s Academy Awards, sharing the stage with Elvis Costello and Alison Krauss. Among the participants will be three of the people from here in Atlanta with whom I sang two weeks ago, during my first attempt to learn the music after planning to do it in January at my grandfather's church.

This will be their second trip to California to sing — the first time being last November for the filming of the A&E special on Cold Mountain.

On a side note, learning this music is a heckuva challenge. It's one thing to sing songs you're not familiar with. It's something else entirely to sing the first verse with "fa," "so," "la" and "mi" rather than the actual words. I'll be giving it another shot toward the end of March, though, when another singing takes place in Decatur. I don't want the tradition to end in our family with my grandfather.