ESPN’s “Playmakers” (a pre-production conversation)

Producer/Director: Listen, we’re gonna make one of the players gay, and we've decided on Daniel Petronijevic.
We already have a head case, a druggie and a womanizing metrosexual. A queer will round things out, especially with all the play Piazza, Kordell, Shockey and Rocker have gotten. Not to mention how any show with a gay guy on it is getting good ratings.
So I need you to find someone to play his boyfriend.
Casting Director: Sounds good. I’ll find a few guys for you to screen-test in, say, two weeks?
Producer/Director: Sure. And I want him to look like a cross between … a cross between—Who’s that guy on the infomercials? Looks like Shields & Darnell? Sort of an android? One of those self-help nuts …
Casting Director: Are you talking about Tony Robbins?
Producer/Director: Yeah, yeah, that’s the guy! Damn, he did wonders for my ex-wife before she wandered off into that Scientology sh*t. A cross between him and, who’s that fag who talks about fashion on The Today Show? Looks like a scarecrow.
Casting Director: Err, Stephen Cojocaru?
Producer/Director: Right, right! That is one damn funny queen. Ever seen him on there? With Lauer and Roker digging on him? Vintage stuff.
Casting Director: (Biting his tongue) Uh-huh, hilarious.
Hey, let me float this idea out there—mind you, it’s just an idea, so I’m not married to it—just wanted to throw this out there.
Since it is a sports show on a sports network, and the guy is a football player, do you think maybe he’d go for someone more run-of-the-mill? Maybe a guy who isn’t so, well, ... put together? Again, just thinking out loud.
Producer/Director: Nah, nah – that’s not how it works. One of ‘em wants to be the husband; one of ‘em wants to be the wife. Know what I mean?
My ex-wife was tight with her hairdresser and her personal stylist, and I spent some time with the interior decorator for our house, so trust me on this one. The football player’s gotta be the husband, so find me his counterpart.
We already plan to have the guy driving a convertible, and we’ll probably end up having them watching a DVD of 'Steel Magnolias' after the two of ‘em have been doing it in the sack. Oh!—and he’s gonna dress like one of those ‘Queer Eye’ guys.
Casting Director: And you don’t think a football player would go for someone a little different from the norm?
Producer/Director: No. Listen to me. I want someone who looks like he’s two steps from wearing a dress. Hell, you've been around enough gay actors yourself to know exactly what I'm talking about. Got it?
Casting Director: (Sighs) Got it.
Producer/Director: And don't forget: Tony Robbins.
Yeah, Robbins. With heavy eye make-up.

Comments

[Steve]

All my money goes toward your subscriptions to the Undergear catalog, since Tim has set up a fund for friends to help cover costs.

[Big K]

Hilarious Kid, as we all know football players are usually all wide recievers and never go for the tight end. Not sure if Tony is motivated to be a little husband.

Guess all the money to run this website is cutting into your long distance budget? Well I enjoy it so keep up the good work.

Big K